I've talked and blogged about being the poster boy for answered prayer. I feel I've been blessed far more than I deserve, and am extremely thankful. But there's one prayer that God is taking His time answering, and like any spoiled child, I'm angry that I'm not getting my way.
See, my Mom is still alive, and she, my sister and I wish that were not the case. It's hard to admit in the same sentence that I love my Mom and wish she were dead. Christians may understand that a little better because they know that something infinitely better awaits her, but it still seems very heartless to wish death on anyone. Those of you who wish you still had your mother, especially if they were taken at a young age, may not be very gracious toward me at this point.
Mom will never read this post. One reason is that she doesn't have a computer, and the other is that she is nearly blind in both eyes and cannot read. She's the one from whom I learned to love books, and she can no longer read them. I cannot discuss this post with her, because strokes have left her unable to converse with anyone who doesn't see her every day. She can't correspond with me, because her fingers are permanently bent. And she used to write for a living. So she is no longer, at age 92, able to do ANYTHING that she loved or was gifted to do. She wakes up, is lifted into her wheelchair, is wheeled to meals or the TV room, has her diapers changed, and goes back to bed. She has lost 3 friends in the last few weeks, and tells her friend Pat she doesn't think God wants her in Heaven. (Pat reads my letters to her and talks to her daily. I sent some of my blogs but Pat couldn't finish reading them because mom started sobbing uncontrollably).
I don't believe in euthanasia, and I even have a little trouble with a DNR instruction, because I believe it's God's decision when we take our last breath. And He's decided it's not part of His plan for her to die just yet. So I'm ticked at Him. (I'm sure that doesn't depress Him too much to call in sick from running the universe today.) He knows that, and He's OK with that. Most of the bad things in my life that have happened to me I deserved, and I get mad at myself, not God. But I just don't understand why prayers (mine, my Mom's and my sister's) for release from this earthly body have not yet been answered.
So, as before I'm asking for your prayers. If you can bring yourself to the point of praying like Mom, Karen and I, so be it. If you can't then pray that all of us will be more understanding as God does what He knows is best.
Abusive Evangelism
13 years ago
I understand your pain and frustration. I think of it as "there is something to be learned from this". My Great-Grandfather on my Mom's side was 100 before he died and there were many times he would tell us about how he wanted to commit suicide....and this coming from a Man of God! My Grandfather on my Dad's side also was ready to die.(He was still telling everyone in the hospital about Jesus, which I thought was cool) He was strapped to everything in the hospital and insisted that they take them off so he could die. He thought it would take only a few hours, the family was gathered there singing hymns and WATCHING/WAITING for him to die.....but it lasted almost a week.
ReplyDeleteThis is a struggle and hard to take in. But we have to know that it's in God's timing, not ours. He may not be finished with her yet! The way I deal with impatience....I have a feeling I will also be "waiting to die". I am praying for you and your family. Hang in there! =o)
I admire your honesty Rick and understand. Once my grandmother lost her eyesight, and then her sweet dog died, she completely lost her will to live and wanted to go to Jesus. I believe I would feel the same way without my books, music, freedom. My prayers are with you all.
ReplyDeleteCynthia
It's so hard to watch your loved ones suffer. I think it's natural to want to ease that suffering - and I think it's understandable to be angry and question God's timing. I believe that God loves us - authentically - no matter what. I'm sorry this is so hard. I am praying for all of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks to all of you. You are 3 of my newest but most valued friends.
ReplyDeleteI know that my Mom prayed for God to take my Aunt Earlene and Uncle Jake for a long time. Aunt Earlene felt the same way as your Mom...that there was nothing good left down here and didn't understand why she had to suffer. So as my Mom prayed for that I spent my time praying for my Mom...not only for her to get through this but to understand that we will never understand and for the mourning that would happen in the future. Of course when my Aunt Earlene left us we cried both happy and sad tears...and so I will pray for you that you are able to get through this and understand that you will never understand it and I will pray for the future knowing that as you will be happy for your Mom you will also be in mourning. Life can be so tough sometimes.
ReplyDeleteOh Rick...I can't imagine. I hope time goes by quickly for all of you.
ReplyDeleteRick, I remember your mother and am so sorry to hear of her poor health. My mother like yours decided that it was time to die. Her quality of life was just not there any more. She got all her affairs in order, cleaned her house, wrote out the funeral, step by step and sat down to die. She had always been very organized and controlling. She got very mad at God, told me she was tired of waiting. I asked her if this was maybe one last lesson God was teaching her, that things were on his time schedule. Well --- she had also lost some of her sense of humor! But it helped. I like you felt, (still do at times) guilty that I wanted her to just go. I told her it was OK to go. AT the end while she was just laying there not aware of anything around her, asking for and talking to her mother and father and people already gone, I found to my surprise I was excited for her. In just seconds, minutes she would be in heaven, with God. For a long time I couldn't tell people of this feeling I had. I didn't think anyone would understand, it even surprised me! But as I realized she was moments from death and the one thing you wait for all your life, going to heaven and being with all your loved ones who have died and being in the presence of God - I just was so excited and happy for her. Her death was then very easy for me. Sorry Rick, can't answer your question or make you feel better, just lots of emotions there you will have to deal with. But you are not alone, don't feel bad in what you feel. You are just a son who loves and wants the best for his Mom. That is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteYour in my prayers, Joeline