A Morning with Sophia

Two or three days a week we have the privilege of 'watching' Sophia so Tim and Anne can continue to work. This means that on those days, everything Jan and I do takes a back seat to doing what Sophie wants/needs. On just about all of these days, I wind up being thankful that I am retired and can watch each little change that takes place in her. I don't remember spending as much time with Jen and Tim when they were this age, and when Jolie and Jeslyn were babies I was still working. This means some days I stay off the computer, partly because Sophia loves to hammer the keyboard and watch the pictures change. She has her own keyboard on the floor, but tires of it quickly because nothing happens when she hammers that one. I have to be vigilant when she's in my lap hammering on mine, so that I don't miss messages like "do you really want to shut down? you have unsaved material."

This morning was both typical and atypical. She was asleep when I picked her up, and just waking up when I got her home. Normally when she wakes she can't wait to get out of her carseat, but lately she's had times when she wants to sit in the car seat (facing it) and play with the buckles and straps. Today was one of those days, so I wound up carrying her and the seat into the house. Jan and I are sure she's trying to figure out how the latches work, and heaven help us the day she is strong enough to use that knowledge!

She also likes to play with her stroller, especially when the tray is loose so she can open/close it at will. This put her next to our set of 100 markers that actually belong to Jeslyn. She loves to pull all of the markers out of the base, then play the game where she's the tornado and each marker is a mobile home. She doesn't rest until they are strewn all over the living room. If I then come in and line up some markers in orderly fashion, she is quick to come and cure me of that desire.

Eventually she crawls out for some outside/porch time. She's become enamored with steps, climbing up and down, and is pretty careful. But just in case, I'm right there with her ready to catch her if she falls. Because I'm bent that way, I realize this is an object lesson for me. She has no idea I am there protecting her from disaster, and would only notice my absence if she fell and hurt herself. And in an "aha" moment, I realize I have no idea the number of times God is there ready to catch me when I make a misstep. I do notice when he lets me go ahead and finish messing up on my own. Perhaps as an indication she is steadily growing, something happened this morning that had not happened before. We were on the back porch and she was getting close to the steps with her back to them. So I took my hand and rested it in the small of her back. That seemed to bother her, so I took it away. She looked up at me, grabbed my hand, and placed it back in the place it had been. Kind of, "I know you're taking care of me, keep it up." Probably reading too much into that but that's what I'm choosing to believe.

We watched a little of "Bolt" on Disney and it engrossed her for awhile. Of course she got tired of it before I did, so we went for a walk and I missed the ending of the movie! We walked in the stroller for almost an hour, and she examined every person, car and bush along the way. I then handed her over to Jan, because she's in charge of the "feeding and putting her down for her nap" part.

So, it's 11:15 and this is the first time I've had any time to myself. And that suits me just fine. By now you've probably stopped reading because all of the above stuff may be very boring/maudlin to you. Each day I'm with her, though, especially when I feel a little put upon because she's SO demanding of our time, I then become grateful when I consider the alternative. Jen, Jeff, Jolie and Jeslyn live 3 miles away. Tim and Anne are 45 minutes away, but work 15 minutes away. We have been "on call" grandparents for over 12 years now, and sometimes it means we can't go on a few-day getaway. Sometimes our plans change at the last minute because of a crisis of some sort with the parents of our grandchildren. Sometimes Sophia becomes demanding while I'm eating and I wind up eating a cold lunch/dinner. (the same goes for Jan, obviously)(Meaning she sometimes changes plans, eats cold meals, etc,. NOT that she becomes demanding and makes me eat cold food!)

Before I let any of that lead to a pity party, I think of my friends David and Anita. I've known them since I was Jeslyn's age. They live in Central California. Their grandkids currently live in North Carolina. Their 2- or 3- year old grandchild tells her friends that Grandma lives at the airport and sometimes they go pick her up and she stays with them. We had lunch with them recently, and they talked about finding a way to spend 6 months to a year in North Carolina. Even that has some built-in drawbacks. So we are blessed to be able to be on-call grandparents.

Jan sometimes says no to the emergencies because she's just too tired. Being the thinker I am, I keep reminding her that this is not a permanent situation. In fact we will look back on it and realize how fleeting it was. It's already beginning, to a point. Jolie will be in 7th grade this year, is more independent, and has parents of friends who are more than happy to have her around before and after school. So this year we will have no regular "Jolie days." Jeslyn reminds us that she can be alone with just her sister or by herself with no problems. Soon Sophia will be in pre-school and then school, and since her parents live in Riverside we may experience Grandparents Empty Nest sooner than we're ready.

So, whenever physically possible, the answer to "Dad, can you.....?", the answer will be still be yes. "All too soon, the clock will strike midnight...." and Cinderella(s) will be gone. It's been an amazingly blessed run, and I'm going to ride it for as long as I can.

Learning to Trust Matthew 6

I can't count the number of times I have turned to Matthew 6:21-33 when I am beset with worries about my life. Just like I can't count the number of times those worries turned out to be groundless. Having said that, I have been oppressed by two worriesome possibilities the last few months, and try as I might, have not been able to put my trust in the words of Jesus when he says, "Do Not Worry."

The first worry had to do with a test that the IRS is now requiring all tax preparers to pass in order to stay in business. Never mind that I've always loved taking tests, that I've always done well, and the last few years of running my own business tells me I am more knowledgable than most guys out there. The worry started when I took some online sample tests, and did not pass any of them. Now, these sample tests were composed by people who wanted me to pay them to help me pass the test, and I realized that they intentionally created impossible, scary scenarios in order for me to fork over my money to them. 95% of the questions on those things were concerning situations I had NEVER come across in my 10+ years of doing returns, yet the nagging thought was, "What if the test is really that hard?" Jan kept reminding me, "It's an open book test, dummy," and there were two major publications available to me while taking the test. But since I inherited the worry gene from my Mom, and allowed myself to dwell on the "what-ifs?", I worried far more than I should have.

The second had to do with my health. A couple of months ago I was shoveling rocks for the side of my house, picked up a load wrong and tweaked my back severely. Despite trips to the chiropractor, doses of anti-inflammatory medicine, hot tubs, ice, electronic stimulation and ultra-sound, my lower back still felt bruised and the pain would radiate to my hip if I stood up for more than 5 minutes. I told Jan, "I am afraid of getting old and being in constant pain." Our bed is very cushy soft, and often I would get up in the morning hurting worse than when I went to bed.

This morning was the test, and I slept little last night, despite laying off caffeine in the afternoon and retiring early. Got to the test site in Lake Forest about 8:30, put all my belongings in a locker (wouldn't even let me take in my watch) and checked in for the test. This testing center was very nice, and apparently administers all kinds of tests. As far as I could tell, I was the only one taking the IRS test. The test was 120 questions with varying point values, and I needed 350 out of 500 points to pass. I had 2 1/2 hours to take the test. After a short tutorial, I began the test. By question #2, I knew my worries had once again been unfounded. The test indeed was about "basic tax law", and over 90% of the questions dealt with familiar situations. So I went through the 120 questions in about 45 minutes without bothering to check the online reference materials available. The program allows you to "mark" questions if you aren't sure of the answers, and then you can go back and review the marked questions. With over an hour and a half left, I had time to research the anwers to questions I had marked. Some I was not able to find in the resource material, in which case I left my original answer as marked. Though I had probably marked 90 questions, I wound up changing fewer than 10 answers. I finished with about a minute to spare, and knew I had passed. One of the neat things about technology is that I had been told I would be notified of pass or fail before I left the center. I checked out, the proctor printed out my results, and all I saw was the word "congratulations" at the top of the page. As a result, I rewarded myself with one of my favorite lunches at Fuddrucker's, which was across the street from the restaurant.

One final note: As I was walking to the car, I noticed that my back/hip no longer hurt. Matthew 6: 21-33.

Why I'm Not a Republican

I'm fond of saying that presidents are like quarterbacks--they get too much credit when things go well, and too much blame when things go bad. I also have said that regardless of their actions in office, no president has done anything that I can say tangibly affects my life. I've been rethinking that latter statement. In doing so, I've come up with 3 events that directly and negatively affected my life.

The first event occurred in 1969, when the Nixon administration instituted a lottery to determine the order of young men to be drafted into the military. Each birthdate was given a number from 1 to 365, with #1 being the first number drafted. I got number 100, and eventually got drafted 5 months away from college graduation. (My roommate and his twin brother got a number in the 360s and are still Republicans today!) So at 8 months of marriage I was shipped off to New Jersey for 4 months, and I blamed Nixon. It didn't help that he subsequently turned out to be perhaps the morally bankrupt president in history when it came to abuse of the power of the office.

Then in 1981, I was hired to be the baseball coach and basketball assistant at Northwest Nazarene College (now university) in Nampa, Idaho. We had college friends in the area. We sold our house and got ready to move. Just before we moved we discovered that President Reagan had cut the funds for the job I was going to have in the Migrant Education Department, and therefore it was impossible to go to Idaho. We did have to move, rented for a couple of years, a victim of a move that typifies conservative administrations--shrinking government. I have no problem with smaller government, except in this instance I was the job that was shrunk. Fortunately I had not resigned my teaching job in Tustin and had a really good year. Reagan later would perfect the concept of deniability in Iran-Contra, and I realize had become the nostalgic hero of all conservatives, but he hurt me personally at that time.

This brings us to George W Bush and No Child Left Behind. The irony of this program is that is big government at its worst, yet is championed by conservatives because, well, it was implemented by a Republican president. It imposes impossible demands on the public education system. I know conservatives are the ones who usually see a conspiracy in everything, but in this case, I felt it was a plan designed to insure that public schools would fail, and the classic conservative goal of the privatization of education would be advanced. It made my job so much more of teaching to the test, and less time for the affective part of education which was my strength. I have over 500 former students as facebook friends, and very few became my friend because I helped improve their understanding of Math and/or English. NCLB dehumanizes education and provides incredible pressure, not only on teachers, but on administrators whose job retention depends on test scores and nothing else. I've always said the impact of a teacher cannot be quantified, and it certainly has no relation to test scores. Rather, it's about an e-mail my daughter Jennifer received from a former student a few months ago. Paraphrased it said basically this, "Mrs. Russell, I made some poor choices after I left school, but I'm getting better now. When I hit bottom, I remembered what you and Mr. Lewis would tell me when I misbehaved--'do you really want to be that person you're being right now?' I finally decided I wanted to be the person you believed I could become. I want you to know that without your caring, I would be dead now." I can't tell you how proud that made this Dad. She forwarded the email to an administrator with the note, "does this matter?" Never got a response.

Back to my original point. Three negative events that impacted my life directly, and all came from Republican administrations. Like all people with political views of any kind, I could be using selective memory. In many political arenas my views are such that my ultra-conservative friends say that I'm "not a typical lefty." If this means I use my brain instead of a knee-jerk response along party lines then I agree. I usually voted the opposite of what the NEA recommended, usually because those recommendations served teachers rather than students. I believe abortion is wrong, that we need to control our borders, and we need to find a way to keep criminals out of the country (I like the old idea of a penal colony, which I would guess is a conservative point of view). At the same time, I think the bewst way to destroy the drug cartels is to make drugs legal, have them sold at government stores at 1/10 the price they are now, and thus reduce the market for the cartels to next to nothing. I know that will never happen, but I think we are foolish to think we can eliminate drugs in America and the bloodbath that is Mexico using current methods.

Personal experience aside, I think the part of conservatism that puts me off the most is the "let them eat cake" attitude towards America's poor. To me the most hypocritical thing many of my Christian friends do is give lip service to the concept that "everything I have belongs to God," but let the government try to redistribute a portion through taxation and it suddenly becomes, "this is mine, you can't take it." I've probably said that in a previous blog, but I think it bears repeating.

In closing, I have an uncle who has said in my hearing, "I don't believe you can be a Christian and vote for a Democrat." I wish I had had the courage to say to him (a former teacher), "I don't see how anyone can be in public education and vote for a Republican." My pension is very nice I admit, and better than most, but without Democrats in government, I would STILL be teaching, at probably less than $40,000 a year.